New York City Rant
Feb. 22nd, 2006 08:42 pmThe art of blocking people on the street, in the subway and other public places is obviously still in the early stages of development. Despite the many fine efforts of gifted amateurs, many public places are still nearly usable. Continued development of this fine art, documenting the most effective approaches and objective ranking are all required to truly bring New York City to a standstill.
Let's review the most effective mechanisms currently in use and see how they can be improved upon.
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Cellphones are an excellent excuse to stand still in pedestrian
thoroughways. Sadly, many practitioners of this sport position
themselves incorrectly - to the side of subway stairs,
building entrances or constricted areas.
Much more effective locations include immediately outside revolving doors, the top of busy stairs, or just around the corner of stairs that contain a right angle. When waiting in such a choke point, make sure not to stand close to a wall - ideally, you should stand half a body size away from the wall. - When walking on the sidewalk, avoid walking at a consistent pace or going straight for any length of time. You should drift to the left or right and change course as soon as somebody else tries to pass by. Again, never leave enough width between you and the street or a building for somebody else to squeeze through. It is important to stop at random times without giving prior warning.
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When you are retired or unemployed, nothing needs to be done quickly
or urgently. It is essential that you share this enjoyment of free
time with others. Make sure you chat with supermarket cashiers for
some time, ideally one minute per person in line behind you.
Other great techniques include changing your mind about the number or type of items to be purchased, disputing the price (ideally if the difference is less than 5 cents), or trying to use coupons from a different store. Never ask for two bags until such time that all your items have been packed into one bag. -
When you need to go through subway turnstiles, never get our
your subway card until you've blocked the turnstile with your full
body. Only then open your purse, look for your wallet, and try
several expired cards before using one that works. Make sure to
return the expired cards to your purse.
Variations on this technique can be deployed at ATMs and supermarket checkouts. -
When entering a subway card, make sure you come to a complete stop as
soon as you've taken a single step inside. The people on the platform
don't matter - you are inside and you deserve the free space around
you. Move as much to the middle of the entrance as you can without
providing an opening for others to pass through. Never put strollers,
suitcases or shopping bags in front of you - keep them to your sides
to increase your width.
Bonus point if you manage to do this before other passengers manage to leave the subway car.